It has been five days since Judge Brett Kavanaugh was voted in for his lifetime appointment as a Justice in our nation’s highest court of law. His appointment, and the events leading up to it, are arguably amongst some of the most controversial issues that have ever taken place within the history of our nation. And ever since his trial began, many of my clients have needed to use their therapy time to process their own painful experiences as well as thoughts and feelings that have been resurrected throughout the highly publicized process. A great deal of us are finding ourselves with overwhelming feelings such as shock, rage, fear, sadness and depression, anxiety, and hopelessness—whether or not we, individually, have ever experienced the kinds of trauma that were spoken about by the women who came forward in their allegations against Judge Kavanaugh. We feel baffled, confused, and betrayed and we are asking ourselves and others, “How do I cope with this?”
Acknowledging Our Feelings and Experiences
One of my clients spoke of feeling “duped.” One thing that has allowed for her to make great strides in her healing journey is the idea that “things have changed so much” since her traumas occurred. It is definitely true that there is a much greater awareness and understanding of the prevalence and harm associated with experiencing sexual trauma than there was decades ago. Plus, she, and many others of us, have, as of late, felt energized, renewed and validated by the strength and momentum of the #MeToo movement. But the events of the past few weeks culminating in Judge Kavanaugh’s nomination make it extremely difficult to be optimistic—it feels hard to remember that we’ve made any progress at all.
Another of my clients has been propelled back into vivid recollections and reliving of her sexual traumas. Though she has worked very hard in therapy, and has since processed through much of what had happened to her, she finds herself jerking awake in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, and feeling trapped in the worst events of her past. By day, she has experienced a surge in anxiety and finds that she is unable to relax, despite all the healthy coping skills she has learned to use.
Then there is my client who is reliving NOT the sexual assault from her past, but the process she went through in trying to gain support from friends, family, and authorities. Her situation shares similarities to Dr. Blasé Ford’s in that alcohol played a role. She finds herself stuck in looped mental videos where she reports the assault only to be NOT-believed and in some cases, even blamed for what happened to her.
Men, as well, have been deeply impacted by these events—in both similar and different ways than woman have. One person I work with is a father to two daughters—one an adolescent, the other 15 years. “You try and teach your kids the best you can. You teach them about consent, and safety, and speaking-up if something is not right. And then this (Kavanaugh) thing happens and sends a message to all women and girls that their safety, experience, and voices don’t really matter after all. I have no idea what to tell my girls now.”
Furthermore, many, many men have experienced sexual violence. With as difficult as it is for women to come forward and receive compassionate, professional, and judgment-free care, it’s likely even MORE difficult for men who have been victimized to do the same, as our culture does not really even allow for men to experience or express emotional pain or “be vulnerable.” A 2018 article written about male victims of sexual violence within the army details the many obstacles faced by men who have been victimized.
And these are just a handful of experiences.
Changing What We Can–Narrowing Our Perspectives
Many of us feel as if we are floating in a kind of unreal state, at this point. The recent events have caused us to question everything we thought we knew about ourselves, others, our understanding of the “democracy” we supposedly enjoy, and the very world around us. I believe it is understandable to have these feelings and questions. However, I also think we need to try to remember that this event does NOT have to DEFINE anything for us. It is quite tempting to draw a global generalization about any number of concepts (i.e., political party, democracy, truth versus untruth, power, money, what matters, etc.) from these events. The result of doing so, is what will hold us back from healing. The moment you decide that any event(s) represents the majority of events, you thereby make exceptions all but impossible. When you see exceptions to your new “rule” as impossible, you stop seeing when they DO occur. It is like putting on a pair of blinders that turns everything grey, thus narrowing your perspective. When ALL you are looking for are the facts that support your theory, you are blind to what IS there that can prove it wrong. The key is to remember that this is just one event. One moment in time. One decision. It does not HAVE to influence the next event, the next moment, the next decision. We, individually, have the power to make meaning out of this, and we can either choose to let it bury us, or we can use it as fuel to change the course of things. In terms of change, start small. Start with YOU. Use this event and all your myriad emotions, thoughts, beliefs, hurts, and hopes to move you in a direction of health and happiness. If you are unsure how to go about starting this journey, please contact me today. I’d love to discuss your journey to healing with you.
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